Birthday With & Without Josie

Fri. Jan. 25, 2019

I will save & lock away memories of josie,
but i must move on, now’s the time,
and it starts here..

My Josie’s Birthday Party is tomorrow, and my actually birthday is,.. also tomorrow. The world does not revolve around me, now that we all know that, i have to vent, and sound like a child in the process, because it’s is so difficult for me to move on with life after having her apart of mine.

Waking up this morning i began to figure it out, how i felt; the fact of just having my family planning a party for her, on the same birthday of her biggest fan (me). I never felt so low, I have always had my family, and they have always had me, one strong unit, now two once my brother completely fractured it leaving it impossible to ever heal. But since then my mom and dad, were on my side, their choice, because they believed in me, and didn’t agree with him and his disloyalty, disrespect, etc.

We knew he had leverage, and once it was acknowledged when he said he would not use it, I knew he would, although it was incredibly shocking that he did used it; that being josephine, using her against us, me, neer could I see her again, never would he ever bring her to his parents, her grandparents house, making them drive up to their house in paradise, to babysit, as they put it, it wasn’t to visit, to babysit.

I have been told over the last couple years that he was wrong, granted i made a mistake, which his wife and he coincidentally made one of the same, but he was unforgiving, hurtful, and did everything one could do to make it worse. Including hurting our parents though these years. My parents let me know the three of us were together, as a unit, they believed in me and had my back.

I last say her July 22nd, 2017, which is a lie, it was actually March 5th, 2018, thanks to my parents risking and being sneaky by meeting me at Bille Park since they believed that strongly to have their granddaughter to play with her uncle those few times behind his back. Because he was wrong. Since that summer day in 2017, I knew in my heart I lost my brother, but my parents were always ones to have my back.

Always being told they would stand up to him, tell him what they told me they believed. Setting him straight, which was too late, but tell him anyway. Tell him he is wrong, …
for making them suffer, and hurting me so, using Josie against us all.

But it never happened, they never told him, I never asked them to, but they knew they were going to one day, only problem is they never did, they couldn’t, and i don’t blame them; he’s now someone we don’t know or relate to, and his wife bad, she can be intimidating, talking down, making people feel uncomfortable, which is a well known personality trait of a very insecure person, but I never expected it, my brother made our parents life hell recently, the three of us became stronger.

But now i feel like a joke, lost, and alone, and literally alone on my birthday, thinking of Josie, and just wanting to say goodbye to her one last time, while they were planning her birthday party and landing it on my birthday, it’s amazing the coincidence, i’m really now not even insulted, just disappointed to know it is true, what I’ve heard many say, no one is worth investing in, because you really cannot trust anyone – not even family, just wish I invested more into myself, a life, career, significant other, kids even of my own. I could have, should have, and there is no excuse, I do not blame anyone for what I am, because I can only blame myself, or hold myself responsible for not being on my own, having my own life.

But I did make it, one thing in my life, and the most important for me it turned out, it’s an ever ongoing struggle, but I made it, I’m alive, still, through the depression, anxiety, I used to think I didn’t want to be alive, and tried to make that happen, but I am lucky I was able to get to where I wanted to work enough to live, social anxiety bipolar disorder didn’t beat me, I’m still sad, depressed, and lonely, -at times, but I want to be alive, and I am. Even as it sounds I feel broken from everything I just wrote above, none of this has broken me, I cannot and will not be defeated.

It’s a weird feeling knowing that, well.. you’re weird, if I can knew that, wouldn’t that make me able to not be so? Or maybe if only I was just a bit more unstable – like the clients I see at Behavioral Health – crazy enough to fall into that bliss category? Or am I just talking an insanely large amount of gibberish into a computer that no one will read, understand, or relate to, – it doesn’t matter, this helps me, as always, and I’m alive, and have enough motivation to stay alive, love life, and with every day, month, and year in treatment.. I’m more, ..me again. and i like looking forward to that.

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